There is some relief to be found in standing safely in the wing in my full length formal purple sweatshirt. Here, making it through the foyer, the cavernous lobby full of oily tango-ing people, and all the way down the stairs without being tasered is no small thing. I listen to Act I - The Curtain Speech and idly flap my giant brocade wings. I think about what a good television program "Gargoyles" was. I squint across the stage. I can see Dixon wearing his upholstery top. It is poking out in the front under his belt again, as all the boys' tunics are wont to do. Except for Alexander's, which hangs sleekly down and makes him look like Scarlett O'Hara after she didn't get a solid bath or shave for a couple of weeks. I can't see Melissa, which is odd, cause that wimple ought to stand out like a glowstick. I can see Dave. I wonder what he's thinking about. And why his boots are getting creakier and creakier. I consider going back to the dressing room or to 7-11 to kill time for the rest of the curtain speech. Jessica appears to be eating the same bowl of Noodles and Co. she's been working on since tech week. I decide not to question her about it. But I might question her about where she got those rainbow Aladdin pants she had on yesterday. HAS Sara Bernhardt played Hamlet? Cause I'm mad if I missed that.
Oh good, we're starting.
There is PLENTY of time to get to my place. I think about how I really am gonna one of these nights enter from stage right and still pull it off. But then I feel nervous about misbehaving in such a way. Before I sink too deeply into the hole of wondering about what that says about my psyche, lights up. I quickly un-purse my lips. For I feel I have resting pursedness and that's not very elegant or princessy. This is the second production in my career in which I have performed in the "Oklahoma" dream ballet, and it's always a good time. It would make more sense were it a ballet of "Becket," but here we are. I turn my head in what I fancy to be an arch, elegant fashion to watch Melissa NOT fall down the stairs. I note that with the costume addition of cloth booties we are now unable to see the boys' calves, which were nice calves. Well- I've never seen Alexander's calves. There is no concrete proof he has any. I go get the stupid crown that everyone's so worked up about. I also do not fall up the stairs and show my teeth in what I hope is a smiling expression as I lovingly place the crown on Dave's head in what is very likely the wrong position and no doubt putting unhealthy pressure on the lobes of his brain. Oh well, we're almost to the end of the Hallelujah Chorus and I'm supposed to be over stage left by then.
Now lights really up. I am instantly miffed and put out and huffy and puffy and squishing my crown together in my fists while I look out my "mirror" and wonder if all those "Reserved Seating" signs are made of paper or of vinyl. When they are hanging over Jackie Cook's arm, they look vinyl. I should touch one to be sure. Jackie always has such nice tops on.
Anyway, Dave is going on about something or the other and keeps trying to get close to me. We sit in the floor. I fiddle with his beard. I think I like beards. His damn necklace keeps flipping around, as does his right lapel. That's good because it gives me something to do. So, that scene is over and we flourish ourselves out up left amid a cheery titter from the house. This is going to a fun, light-hearted romp, they are thinking. We'll show them.
Evan's still wearing his pantyhose and leaning against the wall in the green room charging his phone, so all is as it should be. One time, we thought he was peeing against the wall. But he wasn't. Over on stage right I can see that David Plotnick is reading a very thick book. I consider examining the book later. I know Dave will be on time for our entrance because I hear what may as well be billions of sheets of bubble paper being popped one bubble at a time crossing behind the curtain. The audience cannot hear this. Nor, I think, can they hear the hail during the last scene snowstorm. We ascend the stairs as we hear Melissa teaching the boys a lesson about sex. If we have a block of twenty seconds to spare, we can do that here and allow the audience to understand that this was funny. Perhaps the word "sex" has thrown them for a momentary loop.
At the top of the stairs I squeeze Dave's hand and feel like I'm in "Mean Girls." I look snootily down my nose and then fall snootily down the steps. Such, my angels, is the role of 7 foot long rawhide shoelaces in HenShakes production of "The Lion in Winter."
Here begins a long sequence during which I blink a LOT so as to keep my contacts moist. I wonder to myself how Hannah Zold keeps her false eyelashes on with such aplomb and finesse. I think about how this current pair of false eyelashes looks like a couple of infant Persian bats, but am sure I look stunning even though Melissa couldn't glance at me without giggling. It is important to be stunned by one's own eyelashes. I am jerked out of my reverie by a black hole opening and sucking all the air out of the atmosphere to my immediate right/Alexander taking a deep breath. He takes these in this scene I think due to the high level of tightness with which he has cinched his leather maroon bustier. I tried to tell him that if he wouldn't insist on stuffing knives and hankies and the Aquitaine and all manner of what else in there it wouldn't be so bad. On this day, his breath is particularly deep and full of vibrato. He informs me after the scene that this is due to the Monster energy drink he downed just prior to curtain. This is my fault, but will benefit the pirates later on. You'll see.
Evan comes in for a while and as he approaches the stage I beam lovingly at what I hope is him and not a patron's crotch. Evan and Dave practice their standingveryclosetoeachother move for when they get to really do it later on. Then Evan leaves, David calls for Taco, who rudely has yet to attend the show even though he calls for him every night, and Melissa and I perform our Act I dance break.
Let's see. What happens next.
Oh yes. Melissa and Alexander do a scene about cookies and spiders. I take a lots of deep breaths to make myself appear to have feelings. Melissa and Alexander do a scene about potentially inappropriate parental love and the legal ramifications of keeping all your financial records on your forearm. I remove my crown. Melissa and Alexander I'm sure do something else but by this time I have stopped listening in favor of playing Soda Crush.
During the last scene of Act I I don't do much but be privately jealous that Dixon gets to eat a piece of candy. I notice the boys are sweating and am grateful that I don't do that. Dave flings me at Alexander, which is a lot like being flung at the Great Barrier Reef. La la la, I make out with Dave in front of Melissa and then it's finally time to get back to Soda Crush: Level 74.
Intermission is a good ol' time. David Janosik- who is one of the dearest people so far in the world- allows us to watch festive television programming about friendship and hamburgers on his laptop. Dixon usually looks like an abject puddle of despair at the corner table until you realize he is just looking at his phone, which is in his lap. Evan is brushing his hair. A rule of nature- though he may have less hair, Evan will not brush it less. But I get it. It's very bushy, virile hair. Takes a lot to get it to stand straight up in the proper way. Emily walks by with her excellently turned out feet and shiny shoes and gives us places. Which is code for 3. Dave and Melissa are being responsible and professional and sitting in their dressing rooms doing God knows what. I suppose preparing for Act II.
I strip off my softest dress to reveal my extra-softest dress. I would wear these dresses everywhere. Including to my coffin. I don my shawl and pace around for awhile wishing I could be in the tapestry scene. I may as well be. I'd just hang out behind the tapestry. They'd KNOW.
Act II is off with a bang as the audience, without fail, seems to go out into the lobby during intermission and down a bottle of wine apiece. And also because Melissa is hysterical when she says the thing about her jewelry and her nipples.
Act II, Scene II goes like this:
1. David yells at Evan.
2. Dixon yells at David.
3. David yells at Dixon.
4. Evan says "Don't go" in a very fetching, coy manner.
5. Alexander and Evan stand so close together their noses' feelings can hold hands.
6. Evan yells at Dave.
7. Alexander yells at Evan.
8. Alexander yells at Dave.
9. Dave yells at David.
10. Dixon yells at David.
11. Dixon yells at Dave.
12. Dave yells at Everybody (including the Lord- hence the capital "E").
Phew. And see how it could've been so very nice and streamlined if not for that flirtation nonsense about halfway down the list.
That's pretty much the end of the show. I sing a song after that but Melissa is unfailingly kind enough to come in each night and remind me that this is NOT "Les Miserables," so I stop, offer Dave the dredges of my apple juice and huff away up the stairs endeavoring mightily not to sound like an ingenue from Medieval Hee-Haw. Sometimes after this, well, after I have gotten Evan to fasten me back into my gown (this was fair trade for when he was determined to wear my eyeliner every night. He stopped doing that shortly after I commented that his eyelids looked like a couple of trout, but that may not have been the reason. Regardless, he kindly continues to fasten my gown), I climb up into the top of the theater and watch Dave and Melissa argue from one of the cool secret rooms up there. Note: whenever one is sneakily watching dramas from private rooms in the grand tier, one should remember not to lean out over the audience while still wearing one's metal amulet, which will hit the railing and produce a resounding gong.
There is more kissing and deception and hollering and nausea and then I do one more scene with Evan for which I still have not learned the lines. Dave proposes marriage, I have a temper tantrum and then forget all about the marriage proposal for now I cannot stop thinking about how attractive my hair must surely be as it gleams in the lights because Melissa made the mistake of mentioning to me one day last weekend that my hair looks nice during that scene.
The final scene features a barrel and some silverware. There is a snow storm only in the backyard and Dave receives a gift from Melissa which he seems to like even though he already has one just like it, only better. After Melissa has blown her nose, we all stride grandly out for curtain call, which Dixon leads every night with great style- cankle and all.
*Adaline seems to be a sweetheart who, I just realized, is not featured in the bulk of the narrative only because I have not seen her do a single peculiar thing throughout this entire process.
